You know...

You know...maybe being not so harsh on myself isnt working. I mean I need to insult myself in my head all day and wear revealing clothes so people will look at me weirdly and I will want to not eat. Because I mean at the beach I was wearing a bikini and my friend asked if I had lost weight, I mean I dont see how she could tell, I mean I only lost 8 pounds, then gained back about 5, then lost 3. But I saw a lot of guys looking at me in "that way". The checking you out type of way. And no, don't think thats great because guys looked at me before like that too, and guys are weird. Guys actually want a girl who isnt a stick. And I had something slip by accident when I was talking to my friend in the water. I was all like ugh I hate my fat! Because I was thinking it, But I accidently said it out loud, and she was all like you are deffinatley not fat, I wish I had your abs. And earlier when I was setting up my beach towel and she was all like I hate you, and I was like why(I allready knew what was coming because she says it all the time), and she was like because you are skinny. And I mean like come on! I mean its quite obvious how she is saying it all the time she thinks I am fat. I mean ugh! So, back to my point, I nee dto start being vicous on myself and I need to torture myself with cravings. Hey, no one said this was easy.

The Red Beach

Ohk, today I went to the beach and I didn't eat anything and I swam all day so that burned major calories. Now, my body is tan...but my face and chest is burnt as hell! My face looks like I just ran for 2 hours without a break. Ugh! Well, and also when I came home I ate:

a bowl of honey bunches of oats
cucumbers
an english muffin w/peanut butter
and 2 nutrigrain bars!!!

Now I am so full and bloated and I just threw up about 3 times but Its still the english muffin and nutrigrain bars. I am so pissed. Well, I am going to try and throw up as many times as I can. And I will be starting a fast tomorrow. But I am not going to call it a fast. I am going to call it "loose as much weight as possible for 4 days". Because for the next 4 days I am pretty much going to be busy during meal times with friends so now to my mom I can say I had snacks their or I ate their or we ate at the mall. I cant wait because then I can not eat whatever I want. But its allways easy when I am out, its when I am at my house is when I get cravings. So even when I am not busy I will try to do something.

Mid day weigh in

So, at the beggining of the day I weighed myself and I weighed 113. I have been drinking a lt of water and I went for a 20 minute bike ride. And also, of course, not eating, and I weighed myself and I weigh 111.5 which means so far I have dropped 1.5 pounds just in half a day. So tonight I will also weigh myself and record that and same with all the next days. And tomorrow I am hanging out with a friend at 4. Us hanging out should distract me majorly. It will pass time quickly and keep my mind off of eating.

7/10*

Ohk, So as of july 10th, I have been going out with someone. His names Joey. But I am thinking of breaking up with him because of the 4 days we have been going out, we have only hung out once, and that was the day he asked me out. And to say the truth, I don't even now why I said yes. I mean I feel nothing for him. I don't even know why I said yes. I just did. But I feel bad because I am allways breaking up with guys. Maybe I should say to him "I think we should break up because we havent seen eachother at all, and it just doesn't feel right, maybe we could start this up again when the school year starts and we see eachother more often, I don't know. We'll see". But I don't know what I should do! Call him up? Or IM him, becuse thats how we have been talking. Ugh!

I'm back

Ohk, that was the shortest bike ride in history I have been on, I'll make up for it tomorrow.
But here are more links...

http://fiasco0.xanga.com/

http://kicking-itt.xanga.com/

http://collar-bone-couture.xanga.com/

http://sknnygrl4ever.xanga.com/

http://real-sk-thinspo.xanga.com/

Ohk, so I have some major dammage. I weighed myself last night and I weigh a wopping 113, so yeah. I have major dammage control! I am not trying, but doing this new thing starting today: loose as much weight as possible everyday. I am not going to eat! At all! It's to slow and doesnt work! I tried fasting before and failed, but this time I am not going to fail. I am going to wear a rubber band around my wrist and write 98 on my hand everyday in permanent marker until I am that. I am going for a 5 minute bike ride everyday(only 5 so I don't faint but I am stil burning about 50 calories). So no eating until I am 100, then I can eat something, then no eating until I am 95. People say that cofee controls hunger. So, I am going to be drinking cofee a lot! But, the stuff that you make at home, and I will limit myself to 3 cups a day. And, I will put 2 tbs of cream, and 1 packet of splenda 0 calorie sweetener(all together thats 40 calories, and its a liquid)

http://iwannabesvelte.xanga.com/

http://itwaswritteninblood.xanga.com/

http://xx-real-girl-thinspo-xx.xanga.com/

http://yourheartisanemptyroom1.xanga.com/706336865/heading-in-a-bad-direction/

http://voguethinspo----x.xanga.com/

thats all for now(:
Now i'm going to go have some cofee

Some more thinspo links

http://emmadiamonds.xanga.com/

http://livetheskinny.xanga.com/

http://tinyanckles.xanga.com/

http://skinnyisprettyx.xanga.com/

http://thiinspiir3-m3.xanga.com/

http://thescalediaries.xanga.com/

well, I am going for a bike ride, but i'll post more when I get back.

Today

Today, has been day one, so I have been eating not a lot still, but all salad and fruit. And inside of me feels so much better than when I was trying to eat nothing but diet sodas and the ocasional oyster crackers. So, in the long run it will make me loose weight faster, because it will make me less likely to break. And, today I feel so happy and wonderfull, I have been listening to only fast paced songs to keep me in that "feel good" mood. I think I even feel good to go over a friends house and not break by eating something their.